Profunksticated

Profunksticated admits to a guilty pleasure – watching the syndicated program Cheaters.

Yes, I know it’s like driving by a 30-vehicle pileup with a couple of tankers on fire in the opposite highway lanes, but I’m an inveterate rubbernecker when it comes to this show. I know it’s strange given my marital history, but there’s something fascinating about watching other people do stupid stuff. It helps to remind me of the pain I caused, although I outed myself rather than be caught.

I have to wonder why these people living in the Dallas-Fort Worth metroplex mess around on their relationships in an area home to a television production firm that doubles as a private investigation agency, an outfit specializing in conducting video surveillance on wayward spouses and significant others. Could it be that some folks there still don’t know they run the risk of being confronted by camera crews led by Joey Greco and their angry mates? C’mon, the show’s been on for eight years; surely you’re aware of it by now.

I’ve seen shows done in New York City and in Las Vegas. I’ve seen Cheaters follow guys from Dallas to places like Houston and Galveston. But the majority of cases occur right in Dallas-Fort Worth. I’ve also read allegations that actors were used in some “cases,” but I believe the majority of the confrontations are real. At least the fistfights between men look authentic.

I don’t advocate infidelity. But still, I mean, if you’re gonna go that way, why do it in your own backyard? I never quite understood that.

Anyhow, you might know Cheaters is a show ripe for parody. I share with you what I believe is the best spoof out there. Is it possible to cheat on your church — with another church? Find out!

Profunksticated sits here on a Monday at his spot in northern Virginia, off from work. For the first time in my adult life, I have Columbus Day as a holiday. This is because most of the private sector firms I’ve worked for, including all those newspapers, don’t recognize Columbus Day as a holiday. I like to refer to this as the day America discovered Columbus, LOL!

My weekend was packed. On Saturday, I was the lead speaker at a meeting of my 12-step group, sharing my experience on the Second Step, which is “We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.” Yes, I talked about believing I could overcomed my drug-induced insanity, which my program describes as doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.

Later on Saturday, I met with some 40-and-over African American folk I met through Meetup.com. We got together at a bowling center in Alexandria. I had a great time, except I kept throwing gutter balls. This particular alley is frequently by mostly black folk, and the management plays hip-hip while showing the videos on screens lowered over the unused lanes.

So Bubba Sparxx’s Ms. New Booty plays. It’s my first time ever seeing the video and I’m thinking it’s funny as all get-out. So on my next throw I start singing “Booty, booty, booty, booty, booty everywhere!”, shake my butt, approach the line, release the ball, and throw a strike. My bowling in general improved remarkably as the night progressed. LOL!!

(I’m embedding this video for entertainment purposes only.)

On Sunday, I visited a large church in P.G. County, Maryland, which was also nice. Stayed for two services. The message was about living an exceptional life in Christ. That was one I definitely needed to hear.

Then I watched my Philadelphia Phillies lose a game to the Los Angeles Dodgers, a contest that got a little testy, with pitchers throwing at batters. I’m not worried as my Phils are still up two games to one in the best-of-seven National League Championship series.

Whew, ya’ll! I wish all my weekends could be like this.

Pro missed last night’s town hall-style debate between Barack Obama and John McCain. Here’s one writer’s funny take on it.

Readers’ comments were mostly in agreement, but some took umbrage at dude’s description of McCain’s stiff movements, being that they resulted from his combat injury and subsequent torture.

Just thought I’d share with you a reader comment reacting to a Newsweek article about a book titled The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do To Prevent It.

Apparently this person, who identifies herself as a woman, agrees with what I’ve been saying about some mens’ attitudes toward marriage (bold emphasis is mine):

Posted By: songbirdfemme @ 10/06/2008 9:59:15 AM

I am a woman, and have learned a lot in the last few years. I have to say that there are a lot of problems in society that lead to cheating. Number one, many of us do not enter a marraige on the same page. Men often do not marry because they really want to, they do it because of the pressure. Many woman think that being married will solve all of their problems, and that it is their duty to keep up with the Jonses… in other words, perfect house, or even close to perfect, children who are given everything. Most men care about taking care of a family, and love their kids, but they also want to have a quality sex life, and if you look around, there is usually a scantily clad girl willing to give quality sex. If a woman gets married for the right reasons, which are to love a family, to support and be a partner with a man, he will have very little reason to cheat. It should be easy to love and support a man if, when you get married, you already love and support him, and don’t allow the quality of life that you think you should have or that other people have change the way you treat your man. Men need to grow a backbone and learn to say ” I don’t want to marry you” when they aren’t sure. They need to be honest. Men have a really hard time with this, especially if they think they will be attacked, lambasted. Then, when they try to make a marraige work, a woman will sense that they are not really into her and attempt to lambast anyway. These roles can be reversed in relationships too, even though it is less common. Chibull08, I would get out of that marraige if I were you.

On the sports front, it’s been a bittersweet weekend. The bad news first: The Philadelphia Eagles lost today to the Washington Redskins. Seems Washington is for real after beating two division rivals (the Eagles and the Dallas Cowboys last week) on the road. The Eagles, with two wins and three losses, are in big trouble. They’ve got to turn it around and fast if they expect to even sniff the NFL playoffs.

Now the good news: The Philadelphia Phillies won their divisional series, beating the Milwaukee Brewers in a best of five. Now the Phils face the Los Angeles Dodgers for the National League pennant in a best of seven series. The winner goes on to Major Leage Baseball’s World Series.

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And how about O.J. Simpson? You talk about a long, hard fall from grace. Found guilty on all counts stemming from an alleged armed robbery of two memorabilia dealers in Las Vegas, the ex-Buffalo Bills running back, car rental pitchman, actor and football commentator may end up like too many other black men — spending the rest of his life in prison.

Simpson, in blackjack parlance, was dealt the legal equivalent of a face card and a five for a total of 15, with the dealer showing a 10-card. He had to take a hit, drew another 10-card and busted. He’s going to appeal, but has to sit in jail while the legal maneuvering plays out.

And that Simpson was found guilty in this relatively petty-assed crap on the 13th anniversary of the acquittal in his murder trial was especially eerie.

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As promised, here are some fuzzy photos from Pro’s childhood, as captured from home movies. Try not to laugh too loudly.

Pro’s real excited. After many years, I finally had my father’s old 8mm home movie film transferred to video. My parent’s December 50th wedding anniversary bash is approaching, so I’m going to use some of the footage to create a video presentation.

And as a special treat for my loyal readers, I’m planning to capture and post still images of a young Profunksticated frolicking in New York in the early 1960s. Those images should be good for a few laughs.

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I saw the Veep debate last night. Joe Biden was on point as usual, hammering away at John McCain’s so called maverick image, especially near the end. Sarah Palin held her own, although I found off-putting her outright refusal to answer some questions to talk about energy. I didn’t mind her folksy manner, e.g., the “you betchas” and the “gosh darns.”

I’ve concluded that Sarah Palin, her image notwithstanding, has to have some smarts to get herself elected governor of any state, even if it is Alaska. Dubya’s not dumb either, which is why his getting us into a needless war is so disappointing. You’d think he’d know better.

And moderator Gwen Ifill did a masterful job in trying to keep the debaters on track. And she looked real good, to boot.

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A recurring narrative in the coverage of all political campaigns is the one of the politician who must try to reach out beyond the base of true believers without alienating said base. A political base reminds me of the whiny spouse who complains when the significant other spends a lot of time away from home working to bring home the pork slabs.

Perhaps politicians seeking election should play for their supporters the song Work to Do, recorded by The Isley Brothers, the Average White Band and Vanessa Williams.

I’m taking care of business, woman can’t you see
Got to make it for you, got to make it for me
Sometimes it might seem that I’ve neglected you
But I would love to spend more time
I’ve got so many things to do

Oh I, Got Work to do, I’ve got work, baby
Got work to do, I’ve got to give it
Got work to do, I’ve got work to do
Got work to do, got so much work, yeah yeah
I’ve been trying to make it, woman can’t you see
Takes a lot of money to make it, let’s talk truthfully
Keep your love light burning, and a little food hot in a plate
You might as well get use to me coming home a little late

Wow. Now comes word that our fave Philly councilman and his $90,000-per-year, dressed-for-the-club-at work aide, the target of a TV probe over her alleged timesheet cheating, were cavorting in Jamaica a few years back. Never mind that that both are single and their travel breaks no rules or laws, this is great TV, damn it!

 Doesn’t seem to me that Councilman W. Wilson Goode Jr. is the sharpest pen in the inkwell. How in the world did the TV station get ahold of photos of the pair??!! He needs to talk to Dad, the ex-Mayor. On second thought, never mind.

Hostess’ post about the divorces she’s witnessed got Pro thinking about his relationship mindset years ago.

But first let me quote the Ever Gracious One:

Some years ago a married friend of mine told me to only marry a man who wants me more than I want him. She said that if I did what she did, chase down a husband, I’ll be stuck chasing him even in the marriage. I thought it was true then because I saw what she did to get him and what she had to do to stay with him. From big to little things. She was the bender. Recently, she called me complaining about how he behaved when she was sick. I let her finish then said, “You know you’re trippin’? He’s always been this way. It was good enough for you for the last decade. Why would he switch it up now?”

That was me. I had to be chased down. And I behaved in selfish ways for many years after I finally dragged my sorry ass to the altar.

I commented I became jaded. Before that, there was a time I’d do anything for a woman. Yes, I wanted the chex, but I would call myself being in love. And once I was there, I looked in the direction of no other female. This was when I was between the ages of 16 and 21.

There was the Italian chick I got involved with at 18 some 30 years ago. She was 21. We were both counselors at a summer camp for the mentally handicapped. I wanted it to continue past the summer, but distance (she returned to school in New England) and our obvious physical differences prompted her to end it.

Then there was the zaftig African American woman, the chemical engineering major, I met in NJ the following summer, but who went to school one state north of me down south. I would travel by bus to see her (she’d pay for the ticket) that fall. It seemed she would only allow me to visit when her sister, with whom she lived, was out of town. Then things came to a head when she criticized me for letting her take the lead in our relationship and “not being a man.”

I was pissed. It was then I decided no woman was gonna get the upper hand on me. Then at school I got to know a cute little transplant from New York who also was a Jehovah’s Witness. That slight difference in our respective Christian denominations (and the fact she wouldn’t give Pro any) caused our relationship to go south.

The Spouse was on the rebound from another relationship when we met in 1981. We quickly hit it off. We saw one another on the weekends. For two years things were fine, but then the jadedness set in. I think it started when I went to a convention and noticed a bunch of fine-ass women, some of whom were starting convos with me. That was a big deal after years of females looking at me as if I was from the planet Zatox.

Long story short, I began to believe I was a valuable commodity (young black man with a prestigous, if low-paying job) and resisted the Spouse’s overtures about “taking the relationship to the next level,” e.g., marriage. There was the night in 1984 my brother proposed to his girlfriend (the woman who is now deceased) and she showed my girlfriend the ring. At that point, my girl lost her mind.

When we were alone, she started tripping. The convo was along the lines of: “You see your brother proposed to _____. So what are you going to do? We’ve been together now for how long?” She ticked me off big-time that night. Her rant only caused my resistance to stiffen.

I may have said this before, but here was the thing. In my 20s, I wanted to be accountable to no one save the person who signed my paycheck. I liked going and coming as I pleased and doing whatever to whom. I knew marriage would put an end to all that (although it didn’t, I just had to be sneakier about doing what I wanted to do).

But in the end, the Spouse made the decision to move West. I followed. Then she decided we’d move back East. I followed. Then she decided we’d move South ‘cause my drug problem had gotten out of hand. I followed.

I’ve had the upper hand for the most of the first 18 years. Now I believe she has it and ain’t letting go. Divorce simply isn’t in the cards for us. We’ve discussed it. But after 22 years, it’s like, what’s the point? We’re still too connected to one another.

Barack Obama seeks the counsel of a fictional former President, one Jed Bartlet. An excerpt:

BARTLET Senator.

BARTLET I didn’t expect you to be getting beat by John McCain and a Lancôme rep who thinks “The Flintstones” was based on a true story, so let’s call it even.

I cracked up.

I’m real happy right about now. My Philadelphia Phillies won the National League East division for the second consecutive year and are headed to Major League Baseball’s playoffs. And once again, they edged the New York Mets for the title.

And on Sunday night, it’ll be my Philadelphia Eagles vs. the Chicago Bears in the NFL. Also, the Washington Redskins will play the Dallas Cowboys. Hmm. I guess I’ll pull for Washington since as an Eagle fan I’m obligated to hate Dallas more than I do the Redskins. LOL!