Too-Strong Urges
Old Profunksticated has been hammered by a couple of readers for dancing along the edge of the abyss that is marital infidelity, adultery or whatever you want to call screwing around with someone other than one’s spouse. (See the post Too Close for Comfort.) At least give me credit for posting that crazy-azz story.
Yes, I’ve fallen into that chasm on several occasions in the past years but at least I admitted it to The Spouse, which was one of the hardest things I ever did. (Some of my male friends to this day believe I was crazy for doing so. That’s their problem.)
We all know modern-day humans, specifically Americans, make public pledges to commit themselves spirtually, emotionally, financially and of course, sexually, to one person. But should we be really that surprised when men find they really don’t want to spend their lives having sex with only one woman and end up having sex with some other woman?
Check out this article, of course pegged to the recent pecadilloes of New York’s erstwhile governor, Eliott Ness, er, I mean Eliot Spitzer. It alleges male humans are simply hard-wired to want to have multiple partners.
I found interesting these quotes:
Even in human societies, Americans are relatively unique in their expectation of lifelong fidelity, said University of Texas psychologist and author David Buss.
“Historically, most cultures are polygynous, meaning men are legally entitled to take multiple wives, and so mating with many women is very common across cultures and perfectly acceptable in many cultures,” he said from Austin, Texas. “Our culture is somewhat unique in that we have presumptive monogamy or legal monogamy — men are only supposed to have one woman.”
And this:
“If you look at marriages, in fact, more than half of them — in America anyway — do remain monogamous,” Buss said. “I think it’s important to keep in mind that although we do have these biological impulses to stray, we also have inhibitions against straying, for example, reputational damage. When people get caught straying, they incur reputational damage, and we are very concerned about our social reputations.”
I think this article captures a great point. I’m not defending what we call extramarital sex, cheating, adultery or infidelity or whatever you want to call it. Just that for me, Christianity’s strictures notwithstanding, the article provides biological evidence for men wanting to stray. While many don’t, some actually do.
I should be a marriage counselor, ‘cause I would give women advice from a former adulterous man’s point of view, straight with no chaser. I would tell a woman that she needs to assume the man she marries is, at the very least, is harboring fantasties of sex with other women whether that guy wants to admit it or not.
If he has already been having sex, those fantasies are only that much stronger. If your man is a virgin, (highly unlikely) you might have hit the lottery — he has no prior experience with which to compare yours to. The only thing you have to battle maybe is the dreaded seven-year itch.
This is stuff that a woman and her intended needs to discuss before the marriage. And after you’re married, he needs to be free to tell you he’s attracted to a specific woman or women, but doesn’t want to carry out the ultimate dirty deed. And ladies, please don’t trip when he tells you of such attraction. Be thankful he’s willing to be honest, and then you two can work it out.
My wife and me? We didn’t have those discussions prior to our marriage, which I entered into somewhat reluctantly. I got married because I believed I was expected to. After all, I had spent several years with this person. But I had gotten the taste of other sexual partners long before I met her.
To me, sex was like a drug, which is why I habitually messed around even before the marriage. Telling the truth was the farthest thing from my mind. Most guys of my age cohort behaved similarly. I wasn’t unique. Looking back, perhaps I should been honest about what I was doing, and let the chips fall where they may. I don’t know how my life would have been different.
As I entered my teen years, the extent of my discussions with my father about sex consisted of his saying, “Keep your peter in your pants.” (Yeah, right.) And the church I attended taught young men virtually nothing about premarital sex. As a matter of fact, I was 18 and already in college the first time I heard that God didn’t like people having sex before marriage. I thought it was the biggest crock of shit I ever heard. My thinking was, “If God doesn’t want me to have sex, then why am I feeling horny all the time?”
Churches today are better today at encouraging young people to wait until marriage before having sex, but I still believe that two things are gonna happen: Either these folks are going to get married early like back in the old days, or they’re going to break their virginity pledges sometime in their mid-20s while they’re building their careers and have premarital sex anyway. The urge is simply too strong.
If American society wants to preserve the sexual sanctity within the institution of marriage, it’s going to take more than Biblical admonitions of fire and brimstone to stop men from doing what comes all too naturally. It’s going to take from-the-cradle counseling of boys as they grow into men of the idea that it’s better to wait until marriage to become one with the women they truly love — regardless of their biological urges.
Peace.
We humans do a lot of things that don’t necessarily come naturally. Eating with spoons, wearing clothes, driving cars, peeing in a toilet, etc are all unnatural. Why should staying faithful, which requires less effort than that other stuff, be so hard???
K, I understand that most American women simply cannot understand why men can’t be “faithful.”
Speaking as a man, the only answer I can give is that we’re dealing with a primal urge that many men are not taught in a healthy way to “supress.” Remember, even the Old Testament tells of men with multiple wives.
The things you listed are things that this western society readily teaches its young. But sex is a whole ‘nuther ball game, IMHO. Sexual faithfulness to one’s spouse needs stronger reinforcement by society, and without the mixed messages. But America doesn’t really want to get serious about it. The fact that most parents have a hard time talking about sex to their kids is evidence to me. There needs to be a listing of the benefits of staying faithful to one’s spouse. Like I said, you need an open and frank dialogue about it without a whole bunch of assumptions being made.
Peace.
Comment by K. — March 24, 2008 @ 11:29 am
I think if the folks who reside in the USA didn’t have such an aversion to anything sexuality based, then there’d be a lot less mystery about what “sex” really is. Because let’s face it, sexuality is more than just rubbing pee-pee’s and toochies together for a quick nut. There’s such a stigma that something natural like a human life being brought forth thru a woman’s vagina is somehow “not appropriate” for children. WTF?
Everything is so sexualized here that sh*t that’s natural, like a mother nursing a baby with her breast, is somehow viewed as shameful and “sexual” so she has to hide or is admonished. Helloooo, that’s what a woman’s breast if for, to feed her child. They are not sexual objects to be resized with silicon.
Frankly I think all that you said only applies in the United States. I think for “founders” of this country were on some ol’ freak sh*t and poisoned the well water. And it’s been a “snowball” effect ever since. Being sexy and sexual is not bad or evil if you honest and true about who and what you really are. If folks stop feeding into the media hype about “what’s hot and what’s not” then they’d probably be alot better off.
(sorry for the long reply)
Cat, no problem about the long reply. I welcome long replies. LOL. I agree with you on all counts regarding the attitudes toward sexuality in this country. It’s those attitudes that lead to downfalls of folks like Spitzer or big man from Detroit, Kwame Kilpatrick. They both grew up in a society that encourages dishonesty about who one is and their dalliances are, IMHO, just a manifestation of that. My point: If they were honest, they wouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
Peace.
Comment by aly cat — March 25, 2008 @ 3:06 am
You know I think this post is a crock of bull right? LOL! You think women don’t have urges? We walk around observing men all day and some tickle our fancy, but do we feel the need to strike up a conversation and hit the sack??? Um, negative. While I have never been married, I would like to think if and when I am married, I would be creative and spontaneous so that while he (future husband) might be attracted to the chick at the coffee shop, I’d give him something more to think about.. While I don’t wear wigs and weaves, etc. I surely would in order to spice things up. There are tons of temptations everywhere you go. Hell when I’m having a bad day at work and go to lunch and see the wine list, I have a decision to make. Either get drunk or drink water and go back to work. It all boils down to a decision. Some folks like to flirt with the devil and hope not to get caught. Some folks know that getting caught really doesn’t have severe ramifications. Either way, that’s on them. I’ll be sure to make sure my spouse knows that the ramifications will be the most severe he’s ever thought of.. LOL. Ok, I’m rambling now.. You get my drift. I give no passes on infidelity..
Oh yeah, I’m liking this stirring things up!!! LOL!!! It’s good that you’ll make sure your spouse knows the deal as to what will happen if he sticks his pen in someone else’s inkwell, which is my point exactly. The two of you will openly discuss each other’s expectations before y’all jump de broom!!! With you and your spouse there will be NO ASSUMPTIONS because the air will be cleared beforehand.
And the wig and weave thing, oh double yeah!!
Yes, I do believe women have urges too. But the article I’m quoting talks about males in most societies down through human history, while adding my own perspective. Please don’t kill the messenger!! LOL!!!
Peace.
Comment by S23 — March 29, 2008 @ 2:11 pm