What We’re Supposed To Do
There are days Profunksticated feels drained by this biweekly long-distance commuting for the sake of employment suitable to my background and my family’s income needs. I told The Spouse recently how I felt. She replied that I’m showing a lot of love by traveling back and forth between the Philadelphia-southern New Jersey and Washington, D.C. regions.
I said, “Come again?”
She said a lot of men wouldn’t have sacrificed like she says I have. I said “Thanks, dear, but why wouldn’t I do this?”
Our convo reminded me of the moments following my sister-in-law’s death a few months ago. I was in the ICU waiting room, broken into pieces, sobbing for both my brother and his wife. A female cousin was trying to console me. I said through my tears that I felt bad for my little brother.
Cuz, who was close to my sister-in-law, told me my brother as a good man, saying that a lot of men wouldn’t have stuck by their wives through a long-term illness like sis-in-law went through. Many dudes would rather cut and run, she said.
I bring this up because I’m thinking what my brother and I did what we were supposed to do, and that is support our families and stay with our spouses “in sickness and in health.” That stuff sounded nice at the altar when we were young. However, when real life brought it, my brother did the right thing. I’d like to think I’m doing likewise.
That’s not to say we liked the curve balls and brickbats that adult married life delivered. And yes, we dreamed of being free of marital drama. (You know from reading this blog I was by no means the perfect husband.) But we stay because that is what we were taught.
Has the societal bar been set so low that when men do the right thing, it’s worthy of high praise?
Put another way, is it love or is it obligation that keeps men in marriage through the hard times?
Peace.
though i agree, those are things spouses are supposed to do, i still commend and respect both you and your brother for enduring the hardships and being there for your wives.
it should be a given, right? when a wife is severely ill, you stay planted by her side instead of fleeing the troubled waters and jumping ship. when jobs force you to commute long-distances, you sacrifice for the time being to provide for your family. sounds pretty logical, but the fact remains - a whole host of people don’t do what is “right” and “logical” even for those they have vowed to commit to for life. so i’m all for applauding and commending honorable behavior, because it is rare these days.
i also applaud and commend you and your bro, because both situations are extremely difficult (though very different) and i understand how easy it is to give into fleshly (natural) desires of selfishness when so much of yourself has to be given to your spouse/family. it’s hard to overcome and for those who succeed, like you two, it’s honorable and worth praising.
i hope your long-distance commuting isn’t foreve though
Dragonfly, thanks for the words of support. So you say that because honorable behavior is rare, it deserves praise. Wow. I’m not fishing for compliments; it’s just sad that too many people, esp. us men, don’t do the right thing. The credit for me and bro should go to Mom and Dad. We followed their example. They’re about to celebrate a 50th, although their marriage was at times far from a romp in the park.
Comment by dragonflysoul — June 12, 2008 @ 1:23 pm
The bar is low because so few men AND women stick it out. And frankly, I think most enter into marriage because of love (by their definition) but stay out of obligation. But know that by you staying, you’re teaching your kids that when you say you’re gonna do X, you do X. You’re also teaching them that a man’s job is to care for his family–miles driven be damned!
Hostess, welcome back. Thanks. I don’t think either of us could have lived with ourselves if we cut and ran. Especially my brother. For his wife, WE became her family. She was close to only her father and he’s deceased. None of her blood family was present when she died. My bro was at times was frustrated and angry over his fine young wife being overtaken by disease, but he still loved her and vowed not go anywhere. If he can stay under those conditions, then what’s everyone else’s excuse for leaving?
Comment by Hostess — June 12, 2008 @ 2:04 pm
Sadly, the bar has been lowered so much that people give praise to men for doing what they
KNOW and SHOULD be doing. I guess I’m just hard on people. I am one of those people
who believe that couples should stay together for the kids, even if they don’t want to be
married anymore. Children should be raise by both parents until they are
ready to stand on their own.
Hey, Philly, welcome back. I agree that folks should stay married, except in extreme circumstances like physical abuse.
Comment by onefromphilly — June 12, 2008 @ 4:33 pm
every engaged couple should be required to read this post. these are just not things that people think about when that shiny rock is presented.
K, thanks much. Do me a favor, would you? Direct some of your single readers, engaged or not, to this post. You’ll be doing them a favor also.
Comment by K. — June 13, 2008 @ 11:15 am
Even if the like fades, you made a commitment, and you stick it out. I think that’s why it’s so important to me that I marry a friend, so on the days that aren’t filled with passion and rose petals, we will still have a basis of respect and love for one another. I know that challenges and things come, but I’ve learned some things over the years about sticking stuff out. Your word really is your bond.
Yeah, A, marriage is the commitment of all commitments. I’ll ask you the same thing I asked K. Please send your friends to this post. If you’ll notice, I a lot of the stuff I write is meant for you single women and what to look for in a potential marriage partner. But dudes can get something out of it also.
Comment by A — June 13, 2008 @ 1:07 pm
is it love or is it obligation that keeps men in marriage through the hard times?
I just asked my husband he said BOTH.
Welcome back, Tanyetta. I had a feeling someone would say it was both. Your husband’s a wise man.
Comment by tanyetta — June 13, 2008 @ 5:09 pm
I’d like to believe it is Love, real love that keeps both men and women in those marriages. And at the same time, promisses they made to themselves and each othr. ‘ to hold the other’s hand to the bitter ends’
wow i think your bro is a great man, he sounds amazing…that is what is all about i think…to love them literally through sickness and in health, till death do u part… not a lot of people say those words and mean them.
I hope one day, i will have to say them, and mean them:)
Shazza, welcome! My brother is a good guy (even though he got on my last nerve when we were kids)
He showed a lot of character by hanging in there for all those years. And you will be able to say the vows. It’s keeping them that’s hard, but it can be done. Thanks for visiting.
Comment by Shazza — June 15, 2008 @ 2:26 pm