My New Half-Nephew
The rubber has finally met the road. The ish has hit the fan.
I’ve been sitting on this for six weeks. I texted Hostess about it, and I hinted about it in a comment on A’s blog.
My younger brother, the recent widower, has a baby son by another woman. Yup, old Profunksticated has a half-nephew. Bro told me in late June over the phone while I was in the DMV, in between gigs. I was dumbfounded. He swore me to secrecy.
I can tell you this now because he’s finally told his two sons, 19 and 13, so now the news will travel. The woman, the baby’s mother and a long-time co-worker of my brother’s , came by their house with the child and introduced the little guy to the boys on Tuesday. The 19-year-old, I’m hearing, is quite upset. I don’t know how the 13-year-old took the news.
The kid was born in December, three months before my sis-in-law passed away. My bro says indicated it was an accident, and says he was angry as all get out when he learned the woman was preggers last fall.
I’m not so sure it was an accident. I need to say this: I’m now sorry I made my bro sound like a saint in one of my earlier posts, as the guy who stuck by his sick spouse. (Well, technically he did, but he obviously took some time off).
He’s been dealing with this other woman on the side for a number of years (I’m not gonna say how many), but in the last maybe two-three years, I figured he left her alone because he didn’t talk about her.
When he told me about the baby, I immediately recalled a convo he and I had several years ago in which he told me said woman wanted to have his baby. She promised he wouldn’t have to raise it and that she wouldn’t come after him for child support. Her biological clock was ticking.
I told my bro not to even think such a thing, for the most obvious reason that his wife was alive back then.
Now I’m thinking the woman did it deliberately, but I have no proof, only circumstantial evidence. And by my calculation, the kids conception came a full year before his wife passed on.
Don’t get me wrong, my bro isn’t blameless in all this. He acknowledged he did wrong, but says he cannot change the fact that the kid is here. He said the adults in the family, while sure to be shocked and disappointed, are going to have to deal with it.
What was even more shocking to me is that my bro also indicated he may continue a relationship with this woman, and that she wants to be part of the family. I’m thinking, “Oh my God.”
I told a childhood friend about this today, and he said that he feels for my brother in that he’ll have this cloud hanging over his head. He said men are likely to understand his adultery in the context of his wife having a chronic illness. But women, he said, will look at it completely differently. ” ‘He was out screwing around while his wife was sick,’ ” he said would be the common refrain among women. He said instead of viewing him as the the selfless, devoted husband, they’ll now only see him as just another two-timing n-gga.
My nephew told my wife, and it brought back all kinds of feelings for her, given the admissions I made some years back about my screwing around. I’m now sorry to say that I can’t be sure I don’t have a kid out there. All I can say is that at the very least, no woman has knocked on my door accusing me of being her child’s father. My wife said that as much as she misses our sister-in-law, she’s glad that sis is not here to see this. Sis probably would have killed my bro.
This all said, I still love my bro and will support him. Yes, he’s disappointed me. I feel for the woman, for the holding on to the delusion carrying on a relationship with a married dude is the right thing to do. And I really feel for the baby, the innocent party who may or may not have his father completely in his life.
I can only view this situation as another one of God’s tests of whether humans can forgive.
Ahhh. The chickens have come home to roost!!
This woman is not 22. She didn’t get pregnant by mistake. No woman, NO WOMAN gets pregnant by mistake!! All the women in your family know this. They won’t be friendly.
This opens YOUR wife’s wounds from what you did. This doesn’t bode well for you
No it doesn’t bode well, but I’ll deal with it. I just don’t want to be around my family when they all learn about this. And BTW, all three of your attempts did make it into the queue. I’ll delete the others. I have no idea why that happens.
Comment by Hostess — August 7, 2008 @ 9:16 am
*sigh*
Barring being lied to about whether or not she was on birth-control, how does he consider this an accident?
I feel for his sons…first they’ve lost their mother, now THIS. If he continues a relationship w/ her and tries to integrate her into the kids’ lives, that would be foul.
I don’t know how he considers it an accident. All I can say is I hope he doesn’t continue a relationship with her, but it’s his life.
Comment by K. — August 7, 2008 @ 10:36 am
Ok, let’s get one thing straight. This is not your half-nephew. He is your nephew. He may be the boys’ half-brother, but there is nothing half about little dude where you are biologically concerned.
Moving on: this happened in my family with my uncle. It turns out that most of the adults knew anyway, but the mistress surfaced around two weeks after my aunt passed with her 8 year old kid. My cousins were DEVASTATED, as was I. We were disgusted with him but moreso with the mistress (whom he tried to have a relationship with but never married, by the way–major lesson). The mistress was uber-pushy, showing up at family affairs and events, parading herself around as the next MRS., and the dirt wasn’t even dry yet on my aunt’s grave. Her poor, pitiful, grieving husband was all of a sudden dressing younger and acting like a lady’s man.
In retrospect, he has some regrets (as will your brother), and he acknowledges that a lot of his behavior was born out of his grief as he only found that he could never replace his wife. He still misses her and remains unmarried to this day. He know focuses on the children he has left and his grandchildren. After mistress couldn’t get wifed, she up and moved and turned said affair baby against him. Affair baby is 18 now and has a relationship with most of the family (not me), but the underlying issues surrounding her birth are still there.
It also raises inheritance issues for your nephews as well. I know your brother is grieving and making decisions out of that grief, but if he doesn’t want to lose his other sons, he should tread lightly for sure.
Sorry about referring to the nephew as “half;” I thought that terminology was correct. I believe a lot of my bro’s behavior was borne out of grief not for his wife’s actual death, but for the illness that years earlier robbed the fine young peach he plucked from Georgia of her vitality. I’m sure he felt robbed, and went elsewhere to try to recoup what he believed he lost. He was much younger then and couldn’t handle “the sickness and in health” part, in my opinion. Still doesn’t make it right, I know, but I guess I’m biased and trying to look at the big picture.
Comment by A — August 7, 2008 @ 4:21 pm
The sickness and health part can be tough, for sure. I’m watching my mother do it with my father, but the funny thing is, I guess women are conditioned to handle it because not once has leaving my father or going outside the marriage been an option for my mother. She will stand by her vows until by death they do part. Men and women are different that way, I suppose.
I sincerely hope your brother finds a way to work it out because “difficult” is never an excuse. I am sorry for is loss; I just hope it is not compounded by the loss of his other sons.
I hope so too. I am concerned about how his sons will cope as well as our parents who adored my sis in law. We’ll see. As far as men and women, you’re right about their differing reactions to a spousal illness. Men have to work a lot harder to cope.
Comment by A — August 7, 2008 @ 10:10 pm
U know what.. I don’t even know what to say…
Well thank God your sister in law is not around for this…, this stuff scares me off marriage, human beings are capable of err…that is the sad reality..
I don’t want to scare anyone off marriage. It’s just I believe pre-marital counseling is a must. A couple, with the help of a counselor (preferably a minister, assuming they’re entering Christian marriage) must put all the issues on the table — finances, fidelity, children, occupations, possible illness, etc. — and discuss them openly, honestly and frankly, before making that commitment. Too many people — including myself — enter marriage with little understanding of how life can affect the union. Yes, thank God sis isn’t around. This would have been really ugly if she were.
Comment by Shazza — August 8, 2008 @ 8:15 am
wow, this hurt my heart to read. hurt for your brother, whose pain, regret and guilt i can’t imagine; hurt for your nephews (the older ones) who will have a lot of forgiving and wrestling to do; hurt for the new baby, who may have to deal with tons of emotions when he learns of the circumstances surrounding his conception and birth; hurt for you, who i’m sure feels the pain your beloved are enduring as if it were your own.
my pastor has been preaching a series on forgiveness for the past several sundays. forgiveness is such a HUGE thing and is impossible without the strength and help of God. our flesh is conditioned to flee from pain and sources of pain. our Spirit was designed to draw near to those who have hurt us, to show unconditional love and to forgive even those who don’t deserve our mercy. the two are constantly wrestling.
i always ask myself what i would do if my spouse was unfaithful. my flesh’s answer was always that i would bounce - how dare he betray me like that. i’ll never look at him the same again, i’ll never trust him again. my Spirit’s answer is that i will hurt, bleed, suffer and cry but i have no choice but to forgive. i have sinned against God more times than i care to remember. and never once has He turned me away when i’ve begged for forgiveness. He calls us to do the same. when we commit to loving someone in a marriage, for the rest of our lives, we are committing ourselves to forgiving even the most unforgivable deed. we, none of us, deserves what Christ did for us on Calvary. none of us deserves the mercy and forgiveness of God. we have all sinned and deserve condemnation. but because of His love for us, He has mercy on us when we ask for forgiveness. He expects the same from us, but that can only be done with supernatural God-given power.
your family has quite an uphill journey ahead of them. i pray that the strength of God be with you all to supernaturally bring about forgiveness that may seem impossible right now.
i am persuaded that even out the greatest of sins, God can birth awesome miracles. look at the story of Joseph in the Bible, whose brothers tried to kill him, then sold him into slavery. after being cast in a pit by his own bros, surviving a murder plot, being a slave, being falsely accused of attempted rape, being cast in prison - he ended up being pharaoh’s right-hand man, second in power. and his brothers - the same ones who hated him and tried to kill him all those years before- ended up coming to him for help during the famine. God can use the most unfavorable and painful circumstances to bring out greatness, all for His glory.
that is my prayer for you, your teenage nephews, your brand new baby nephew, your brother and the woman involved. and i pray supernatural power from God for you all to able to heal and forgive what must seem like such an impossible situation to endure.
SO sorry this is so long
Dragonfly, welcome back. You can write as much as you want; I welcome comments. I thank God for your prayers for us, ‘cause we’re gonna need them. I know we’ll get through. I know my mom is upset and has expressed serious enmity toward the woman with whom my brother was involved. My wife to her credit, told she and my sister the story of how she was conceived out of wedlock (see this post) and how it led to interfamily tensions, but how my wife was loved as a child. My wife told my mom and sister not to take out their anger on the child. There will be more. May God bless you and thanks.
Comment by dragonflysoul — August 26, 2008 @ 12:27 pm