Do You Really?
There’s been a lot of talk about marriage in the blogosphere of late. Profunksticated is here to give his take on a crucial portion of one of the promises folk make before God when they marry.
To stay with each other in sickness and in health.
The health part, that’s easy. It’s the sickness piece that’s the rub. And I’m not talking about the common cold or the flu, which comes and goes. I speak of chronic illness, the kind that can debilitate people for years and rob them of quality of life.
My landlady’s friend told me about her younger sister, who came down with Lou Gerhig’s disease, which left her muscles unusable. Near the end, all she could do was communicate by moving her eyes. She had the condition for more than four years until she died, which was 10 years ago.
What was really sad about the situation was how her husband reacted: He was flat out angry. He was angry at his spouse, angry at her sisters and angry at the kids. The husband worked while the sisters took care of the sick woman. My landlady’s friend tells me this man is still angry.
That brings me to my brother. You know his wife died this year and shortly afterwards revealed the existence of an infant he had with another woman with whom he carried on a longtime affair. We talked about the situation recently and he admitted that his wife coming down with rheumatoid arthritis so early in their marriage angered him. He said he felt robbed. She wasn’t able to perform her wifely duties, so he looked elsewhere. He didn’t have to look far.
It even happened to me. When The Spouse came down with multiple sclerosis five years ago, I used her diagnosis as a pretext to act out with other women on a few occasions after a few years of being “good.” (This about a year before I confessed my all my cheating over the years, even the stuff that happened before she got sick. I know, there was no excuse for that behavior.) Today I find her attractive in a spiritual sort of way.
We know that women, being the nurturers they are, are more likely to hang in there when their husbands get sick, but men react much differently. Studies have shown that men are much more likely to bail on their sick wives than vice versa. We men are selfish as a mug.
To you men reading this: If you’re contemplating getting married, think long and hard about your intended. Sure, she looks good now, and you can accept that she’ll change physically with age and childbearing.
But what if she gets sick and has little chance of recovery? Let’s throw in a disability – she’s hurt in a car accident and now must use a wheelchair. Can you deal with taking care of her while still holding down the job? Can you deal with spending hundreds of dollars on prescription drugs, doctors and occasional hospital visits?
How are you going to react? Are you going to get angry? Lash out at your spouse for something over which she has no control?
Can you deal with her being physically unable to have sex with you? What will you do then? Hang in there and deal or run to another woman?
My reading of marriage, at least according to Christianity, is that the two of you become one. When one suffers, so does the other. In other words, your azz just might have to go without sex if you’re going to be true to your vows. As Janet said, “That’s the way love goes.”
This is among the many topics you must discuss with your intended before you stand before a minister, your family, friends and God. You say, “I do.” But do you really?
Peace.
