Do You Really?
There’s been a lot of talk about marriage in the blogosphere of late. Profunksticated is here to give his take on a crucial portion of one of the promises folk make before God when they marry.
To stay with each other in sickness and in health.
The health part, that’s easy. It’s the sickness piece that’s the rub. And I’m not talking about the common cold or the flu, which comes and goes. I speak of chronic illness, the kind that can debilitate people for years and rob them of quality of life.
My landlady’s friend told me about her younger sister, who came down with Lou Gerhig’s disease, which left her muscles unusable. Near the end, all she could do was communicate by moving her eyes. She had the condition for more than four years until she died, which was 10 years ago.
What was really sad about the situation was how her husband reacted: He was flat out angry. He was angry at his spouse, angry at her sisters and angry at the kids. The husband worked while the sisters took care of the sick woman. My landlady’s friend tells me this man is still angry.
That brings me to my brother. You know his wife died this year and shortly afterwards revealed the existence of an infant he had with another woman with whom he carried on a longtime affair. We talked about the situation recently and he admitted that his wife coming down with rheumatoid arthritis so early in their marriage angered him. He said he felt robbed. She wasn’t able to perform her wifely duties, so he looked elsewhere. He didn’t have to look far.
It even happened to me. When The Spouse came down with multiple sclerosis five years ago, I used her diagnosis as a pretext to act out with other women on a few occasions after a few years of being “good.” (This about a year before I confessed my all my cheating over the years, even the stuff that happened before she got sick. I know, there was no excuse for that behavior.) Today I find her attractive in a spiritual sort of way.
We know that women, being the nurturers they are, are more likely to hang in there when their husbands get sick, but men react much differently. Studies have shown that men are much more likely to bail on their sick wives than vice versa. We men are selfish as a mug.
To you men reading this: If you’re contemplating getting married, think long and hard about your intended. Sure, she looks good now, and you can accept that she’ll change physically with age and childbearing.
But what if she gets sick and has little chance of recovery? Let’s throw in a disability – she’s hurt in a car accident and now must use a wheelchair. Can you deal with taking care of her while still holding down the job? Can you deal with spending hundreds of dollars on prescription drugs, doctors and occasional hospital visits?
How are you going to react? Are you going to get angry? Lash out at your spouse for something over which she has no control?
Can you deal with her being physically unable to have sex with you? What will you do then? Hang in there and deal or run to another woman?
My reading of marriage, at least according to Christianity, is that the two of you become one. When one suffers, so does the other. In other words, your azz just might have to go without sex if you’re going to be true to your vows. As Janet said, “That’s the way love goes.”
This is among the many topics you must discuss with your intended before you stand before a minister, your family, friends and God. You say, “I do.” But do you really?
Peace.
Wow. Cause for pause. Something to think about. I’m going to make sure I ask my intended this.
I’m going right now to add it to my list of questions. My mom was sick in the early pre-A years of my parents’ marriage and my dad stood by her just as she is standing by him now. And their marriage has been far from ideal, but it’s been real. I recall wondering when I was smaller if they even liked each other. Now, I know that they LOVE each other.
A, I’m so glad I was able to make you pause. Yes, make sure your intended knows the real deal. Hey, I forgot to mention a couple of political figures, John Edwards (affair while wife has cancer) and John McCain (left wife when she became ill while he was a POW) were applicable to this post. I’m glad to hear your parents do love each other and stuck by one another.
I swear I should be a pre- marriage counselor.
Comment by A — August 20, 2008 @ 3:27 pm
Thank you for visiting. I hope you come back and I look forward to meeting a fellow blogger who is trying to “make it happen” here in DC.
Thank yo for your candor in this post. My husband and I never discussed this very thing when we got engaged 24 years ago. But it was over time that I realized that he was a man who would stick. Major surgeries that had me needing him to do things that only a nurse should do, that he did without anger, pity, but with care, and love in his eyes. I know I have a keeper, a sticker. When we said I do, it was really.
May God bless you and your wife on this journey. James 1:12
And thank you for visiting. I try to keep it real in this blog ‘cause I’m hoping someone will get something from it. I’m glad to know your husband is a keeper and your “I dos” were for real. I’ll be back to your spot on a regular and added you to my roll. Take care.
Comment by TravelDiva — August 20, 2008 @ 3:38 pm
scary Pro.. another reason for me to wonder if this is anisntitution for me… it tests one’s strength, faith, commitment, will to go on… i am scared for real…
I don’t mean to scare you. Marriage can be a great institution. I think the problem is too many folk go into it with rose colored glasses and don’t think about the hard questions. I’ve learned to believe the hard up-front work can make things easier later on.
Comment by Shazza — August 21, 2008 @ 7:09 am
I am blog browsing to avoid doing things I should’ve done yesterday. Post something else so I can slack some more. Please and thank you.
I will, but work’s got me hopping. I’m now taking a breather. LOL!
Comment by A — August 21, 2008 @ 10:31 am
marriage
between one as two
and god
thats why it is so great
Bill Withers kinda got it wrong: “Just the three of us. We can make if we try, just the three of us, God, you and I.”
Comment by rawdawgbuffalo — August 21, 2008 @ 11:23 am
First of all I commend you for being honest in your post. People do need to think about these things before saing I DO. With the Edwards thing in the news media a lot of people are angry because he cheated on his wife because she’s sick.
Ebony, welcome and thanks very much. I think that marriage counseling is a must. And for a public figure like John Edwards, you have to wonder, but he’s not the first to cheat on his spouse, illness or none.
And yes, I do bring it in this blog, to quote the author Jill Nelson, “straight with no chaser.” If I wrote this stuff under my real name, I’d have no friends or employment prospects. LOL!
Take a look around and don’t be a stranger. Take care.
Comment by Ebony — August 22, 2008 @ 1:30 am
Damn!!! This is the truth right here!!! My girl’s husband had a mild stroke at 34. She stood by him without so much as a blink of her eyes. But these are the very things people don’t discuss. I think it’s a fear of mortality.
Thanks much, Hostess; welcome back. That’s great your girl stuck by her man. I hope he’d have done the same if she were sick. I don’t think people fear death as much as what precedes it and usually that is illness.
Comment by Hostess — August 22, 2008 @ 2:06 pm