The Party
So we went to the birthday party of my new nephew, who turned a year old. On the surface it was a pleasant enough affair. My brother’s girlfriend lives with her mother, who, it appears, has been treating my brother like one of the family for years despite his being married.
Also attending were several of the girlfriend’s friends and relatives, along with my sons, older nephews and their friends. My brother seemed real happy The Spouse and I showed up. We had dinner, sang "Happy Birthday" to the little guy and watched the Eagles beat up on Dallas (actually the Cowboys self-destructed, committing five turnovers, but as an Eagle fan I’ll take it. The win got Philly into the playoffs).
My wife said that she wants a relationship with our new nephew, but cannot do that without at least getting to know his mother. Once we returned home, however, The Spouse admitted she was uncomfortable over the whole thing, especially her mother’s seeming nonchalant attitude over her daughter dating a married man for so many years. She also said the woman mentioned she and my brother were taking a trip to Las Vegas in February. She said she thought of my brother, "Your wife will not have been in the ground a year, and you’re taking trips with this person. Not a good idea."
I have to admit, I was also uncomfortable. But I told my wife that if that’s how my brother and his woman chooses to view all the stuff that’s happened, that’s on them. We have our own isht to worry about.
Still I couldn’t help thinking of seeing the woman again after all these years and wanting to ask her stuff. TravelDiva commented in the post below that she wouldn’t have been able to hold her tongue if she had gone.
I replied that at some level, this woman will have to be accountable to someone over her role in all this. But to whom?
God? Absolutely, but we all are.
My sister-in-law? Definitely, but she’s gone on.
My mother and sister, who helped nurse my SIL through her illness and pain of learning of my brother’s relationship? Maybe.
I don’t know. I know that had that been me who was widowed (or is it widowered?), there’s no way I would have introduced any relationship – much less an illicit one — to anyone, especially my own children, so soon after my spouse’s death.
Thoughts?
I told you my uncle did it, and for those who were close to my aunt, the child is still an outsider, even as a college freshman. Most folks are cordial to her, but there were never any sleepovers or anything. Your brother is being tacky, but believe it or not, this is another method of dealing with his grief. He feels like it’s HIS time now, but once the dust settles and things really hit him, that may be it for he and this woman, esp. if her motives have ever at anytime been less than pure. And who are we kidding? Of course they’ve been.
The woman’s mother is probably just acting on what she’s been told. Your brother probably made it sound like one of those cases where the woman is almost like a vegetable with no hope of recovery and he was a man who loved his wife but stayed out of duty and also had these NEEDS, blah, blah, blah. They probably see him as a noble guy for having stood by his wife while he was “in love” with this other chick and think even more of him for stepping up to be a father to the bastard offspring (excuse the term, but I’m using it literally and not to insult). Don’t fault the mother too much. On the other hand, she could really know what’s up and just not care, just happy that her daughter has a “good” man even if it’s a shared one.
These are just my late night thoughts. I’m just sayin….
Wow, A, that your uncle’s daughter is still seen as an outsider is exactly what I’m being warned against. My 12-step sponsor, for example, has seen the video I did for my parents’ recent 50th wedding anniversary celebration. He noted the five “legit” grandchildren were shown individually, and said, “When this (other) kid turns 10, he’s going to wonder why he was left out.” I said he wasn’t left out, he actually appeared in the group photo near the end. My sponsor said, “But still, he’s going to ask.”
At what point in her life was your cousin told of the circumstances of her birth?
Hostess saw the vid and believed I’d excluded the little man. I advised her to watch again and look for him in the group shot. I believed it was the best compromise under the circumstances. My thinking was that the celebration was about my parents and my mother probably wouldn’t have wanted to see this this kid prominently featured in their video. All it would have done was served as a painful reminder her son spent years cheating on his ill wife.
And you make some real good points on the possible mindset of my brother’s girlfriend’s mother.
I’m about ready to let this lie and not write about it anymore. I’m tired of thinking about it.
Comment by A — December 31, 2008 @ 1:58 am
It’s all very dirty. The side piece better pray nightly that she never takes ill. Your brother might do the same thing to her. Y’all are better than me because there’s NO way I’d have gone to that party. Some say not dealing with the child is punishing the child. But I disagree. The child will grow up and do the math. He’ll see mommy was a side piece and side piece’s babies don’t get to be treated like legit members of the family–ever. They have mommy and daddy to blame for that.
I have to respectfully disagree. Hostess, it might be true that in many families, side piece’s babies don’t get to be treated like legit family members, but what happens when the kid grows up? The family’s treatment has led to yet another resentful human adult being added to the planet. You cannot blame the kid for what his parents did. Do I like what happened? Hell, no. But the kid is here and we have to deal with it. And who’s to say that this kid won’t grow up to be President or something?
I didn’t want to go to that party. But then again, I’m having to learn to get over myself and whatever feelings I have about the situation. Remember, I had sex with other women during my marriage also. I could have fathered an out-of-wedlock kid, the key difference being that my situation would have involved a very-much-alive spouse who would have been very much angrier than she was when I first told her about all my isht.
To paraphrase a famous itinerant rabbi, “Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone.”
Comment by Hostess — January 2, 2009 @ 2:11 pm